OCD is tough and has been such a rollercoaster for me. For 2 years, I obsessed constantly about having anaphylactic shock from nuts. I avoided anything that mentioned nuts on the label, or even words with the word nut in such as “butternut squash” or “chestnut mushrooms”. I was on edge constantly and hyper vigilant to everything. At my worst I lived on a diet of potatoes, water and orange juice. I lost a great deal of weight, and ended up going down to a life threatening 5 stone. But I couldn’t stop, the intrusive thoughts and anxiety were too overwhelming. I was very close to being hospitalised. I avoided everything despite the health risks and only washed with water, and fairly embarrassing to say – I only used water to brush my teeth! It’s crazy what OCD can do to someone. I became someone who was short-tempered and exhausted. I didn’t recognise myself anymore.

After a year of living this hell, I managed to face some of the fear and introduced more variety back into my diet. I was able to use toothpaste again and wash with one particular soap. It was still extremely difficult to face each day and I had absolutely no hope it would ever get better.

Through the whole struggle I did not think recovery would be possible, but I kept going and visualised an amazing, fun, happy future for myself. Through everything, imagining life getting married and having kids was what kept me fighting. I found myself going round in circles with exposures and constantly getting further away from recovery after getting over the same hurdle again and again because coming into contact with a nut frightened me so much. After 2 years in different therapies, I still felt trapped and consumed by my intrusive thoughts.

I had not eaten a takeaway, dinner with my family or a meal out for 2 years. I even built a separate kitchen in my room because I couldn’t handle using the family kitchen in case of nuts touching bowls, pans etc. I was angry with myself and my OCD for everything it had taken away from me, I couldn’t even kiss my partner without him using mouthwash and brushing his teeth first. I had been following Rob’s OCD Recovery Instagram for these few years and every time I saw a post I felt like I wasn’t alone and that this was a space I could be understood. I engaged in comment sections and also spoke to a few people on the support group on Facebook.

I decided to reach out to Rob and attend a group session, followed by one 1-to-1. Rob worked through a few smaller exposures with me before soon suggesting we face my biggest fear… I brought a bag of mixed nuts and remember telling myself before the session, “most I will do is open the bag”. Within this 40 minutes, and with Rob’s support, I ended up eating some of the nuts. The fear lifted instantly and it was a strange feeling with mixed emotions. this thing that had consumed my life for 2 years, wasted precious time was gone. With a few simple but brave actions.

Looking back, I don’t get mad about the time I lost because OCD did teach me a lot. It taught me to be grateful for what I have and also for those around me who supported me through the darkest moments. It also gave me admiration for myself, because I went through so much and kept going. I am strong and am so proud of myself for overcoming this and getting my life back. It’s been around 3 weeks now and I haven’t had any intrusive thoughts about nuts since doing that exposure. At first I had the occasional thought pop in out of habit but they didn’t have that power behind them anymore because I wasn’t scared. I’ve accepted that none of us can predict with absolute certainty what’s going to happen in life. I could develop a nut allergy at any point, my throat could swell up and I could drop dead but the thought of that just makes me laugh now.

Life is way too amazing and none of us have any idea how much longer we have. If you’re struggling with OCD right now I just want to remind you that you are not the exception to recovery. I always thought I would never recover. Now that I have, I’m glad I was wrong.