Why So Many OCD and Anxiety Sufferers Struggle with Their Intimate Lives 😔
In this article, I’ll be diving into the nuanced reasons why so many people with OCD and anxiety struggle to connect, initiate romance, and maintain a healthy sex life. We’ll also discuss how compulsive porn use, masturbation, cybersex addiction, compulsive sexting, and fears of rejection can interfere with real-world connection and lower frustration tolerance.
The most important thing to understand is this:
You will never feel ready to initiate sex.
I have my own beliefs, not justified by science, but I personally think a healthy range for sex is around 2-4 times per week. Of course, this is debatable, and things become more difficult when children enter the picture. But when I see how sexless many long-term marriages and relationships become, I think it’s fair to say this is a major issue.
Why is this happening?
It’s multifaceted, but let’s cover some common reasons:
- Excessive porn use, which decreases the motivation to invest effort into real relationships.
- The societal idea that sex always needs to be magical, deeply emotional, or intensely erotic. Movies, social media, pornography, romance novels, and other influences contribute to these expectations.
- The effort required to maintain intimacy, especially after having children. Long-term relationships require compromise and thoughtful effort.
This can present differently for men and women. Men may struggle with erection issues and become reliant on medications, which can create additional fears and insecurities. Women may feel so disconnected that orgasm becomes difficult or impossible. Neither experience is uncommon.
I’ve heard everything from:
“I feel like I’m just going through the motions.”
To:
“It feels like I’m asexual.”
To:
“I feel completely disconnected from the experience.”
These realities need to be discussed instead of avoided.
Do you want the possibility of enjoying sex and connection again? Then this is the hand we’ve been dealt. I had to deal with this myself while also going through withdrawal from a severe pornography addiction, so I was double-cooked.
Here’s what I worked on.
1. Quitting Porn
I’m about 4.5 years porn-free and choose to practice NoFap. Personally, I couldn’t find balance with masturbation, but everyone needs to make their own decision.
The first 3-9 months were difficult. I experienced physical symptoms, stronger urges, and frequent temptations to relapse.
Something many people don’t want to acknowledge is this:
The people you’re watching in porn may seem more attractive, more exciting, and more extreme than what real life offers. Real relationships cannot compete with fantasy, because fantasy always has unlimited novelty.
2. Learning to Initiate Thoughtfully
I didn’t just work on initiating. I worked on initiating in ways that were meaningful to my wife.
This forced me to think about her needs rather than my own. That wasn’t easy because I had been behaviorally selfish for a long time.
Erica doesn’t want to watch Saving Private Ryan for the 984,748th time and then fool around. I had to think outside the box and put her first.
3. Accepting Performance Issues
For a period of time, I had to deal with erection issues and problems with lasting. Fortunately, they didn’t stick around for long, but they were there.
4. Allowing Thoughts and Feelings
I had to allow thoughts about other women to exist without fighting them. I still don’t push thoughts away today, but during the early stages of working on points 1-3, they showed up constantly.
And of course, time and patience played a major role.
If I had to choose the most important point, it would be point two.
This applies to men and women, heterosexual and gay couples alike.
I hear this all the time:
“I don’t like that. I need my boundaries in the bedroom.”
I’m not saying you should do things you’re uncomfortable with, but having absolutely no willingness to compromise or meet your partner halfway doesn’t usually bode well for long-term relationships.
I joke on my calls that I’ve accidentally become a sex coach because of how often this comes up.
Sexting and Photos
This topic isn’t discussed enough.
Sexting and exchanging photos can become a sexual slot machine. The novelty and anticipation are incredibly addictive.
Make your own decisions, but if you genuinely can’t go seven days without them, there may be an issue.
People tell me:
“It’s not a big deal, Nick.”
And I say:
“Cut it out and see what happens.”
Most of the time, things don’t go smoothly.
Rejection Fears and Real-World Intimacy
I’ve worked with people who have never allowed their partner to see them naked with the lights on.
Ever.
Not once.
This is incredibly unhealthy, and unconditional self-acceptance cannot develop while continually avoiding vulnerability.
When you run from situations like these, you’re throwing jet fuel ⛽️ on conditional self-acceptance.
Watching porn every day, relying on chatbots, masturbating exclusively, or only exchanging pictures does not help rejection fears.
You need to face real-world vulnerability.
You need to go out and meet people.
Go on dates.
Take someone for ice cream. (I recently had someone tell me that’s outdated. How cooked is that? 😆)
Take them to Chipotle. That’s what I did with Erica on our first date.
Whatever you decide to do…
Do it in person.