7Here is the moment I realised I had OCD: whatever I was doing to bring myself relief from feelings such as anxiety, guilt, and panic simply wouldn’t last. I wasn’t getting sustainable, long-term relief.
For example, when I was locked up internally with chronic guilt and shame due to a real event or false memory from the past, I would confess or seek reassurance from my partner. Whilst this would initially bring me short-term relief because I had got it off my chest and been reassured, that relief never lasted for long.
When I kept going back with the same reassurance questions and slightly altered confessions, I knew I had a problem. I remember one particular moment vividly. I was on vacation with my partner and was literally in tears, venting about something from the past and desperately trying to obtain relief. Temporary relief would come, but I could genuinely feel OCD moving the goalposts whilst I was talking. Before long, I would run back for even more reassurance or offer a modified confession to ensure that I had explained exactly what had happened, eliminating all possible doubt that I had misrepresented something and ultimately done something wrong.
Whatever my partner said to comfort and reassure me never seemed to sink in, and of course, I would soon be running back for more. My partner once likened me to a “drug addict” chasing a hit, and that’s exactly what it felt like. Once one “relief hit” had worn off, I was already seeking the next dose of reassurance.
I knew I had a problem because, whilst I was aware that the amount of reassurance-seeking and confessing I was doing was totally excessive, I felt like I couldn’t just leave it alone. I had to be sure that:
a) I hadn’t done anything wrong.
b) I wasn’t a bad person.
c) I didn’t have to feel guilty forever.
d) My partner would still accept me regardless of what I may have done.
Like I say, I knew this was excessive, but the OCD cycle was in full swing. Simply recognising that it was excessive didn’t stop me. The urgency surrounding the fear, accompanied by intense symptoms, kept pulling me back in.
Similarly, I knew I had a problem when no amount of solving would satisfy me. I spent years endlessly analysing past events and going over intrusive thoughts in my head, attempting to understand why I had them and what they meant about me, but nothing ever seemed to be enough. I’d get relief, only to find myself back at square one, chasing relief once more with OCD attacking me from a different angle.
OCD would dangle the carrot, enticing me with promises of permanent peace and absolute certainty, but it never delivered.
I remember Googling, “Is it normal to go over events in the past again and again?” Whilst this could have quickly become compulsive had I repeatedly searched it, that initial search opened the door for me to learn about guilt, real event OCD, and false memory OCD.
The same happened when I was experiencing intrusive thoughts, particularly taboo ones. I remember crying to my partner about them. Fortunately, she has a background in psychology and said to me:
“Sam, that sounds like intrusive thoughts. Take a look online and see if you can relate.”
That then allowed me to gain knowledge about intrusive thoughts, which eventually guided me towards understanding OCD and how it operates.
It’s important to highlight that even when I was reading about OCD and learning how it worked, OCD still doubted that explanation and convinced me that mine was real, different, and somehow the exception. That’s what OCD does.
Because of how real everything felt, I was convinced that I would be stuck with guilt and anxiety forever. Eventually, though, I decided to reach out for help, which led me to OCD Recovery, and the rest is history.
Even then, I remained convinced that recovery wasn’t possible for me and that I was a treatment-resistant case. It happens to the best of us. After all, OCD is the doubting disorder.
This is further evidence as to why applying unconditional acceptance is paramount for recovery, because OCD can weave its way around insight alone.
With practice, persistence, and time, I recovered, and so can you.
There is endless hope.
You’ve got this.