POCD is still probably the most taboo of all OCD themes and even in many OCD communities I joined prior to this one, people were often shut down and hugely judged for expressing their obsessions. Being a pedophile is probably the worst thing we think we could ever become and because of this OCD hones straight in. It’s a very common theme that needs greater awareness.
POCD, like all themes, can show itself in many ways. Intrusive images were my first experience with OCD and it came out of nowhere. One day these vivid scenarios would just play on repeat over and over in my head and had me sick to my stomach. I used all the strength within me to push these images out (which unsurprisingly locked them in even more). Why were they here? Am I sick and twisted? Do I need to hand myself in? The intrusive thoughts predominantly involved infants and in the blink of an eye I went from a happy teenager to convinced I needed to be locked away or dead. My whole world had been turned upside and I was certain this was it forever.
A few weeks after this began my obsessions turned to complete panic over the idea of Googling something inappropriate relating to that age group. I couldn’t even sit in lectures anymore because I was too scared to open my laptop. I even went to the extent of getting my friend to create a child lock on my internet so I couldn’t see anything I felt was inappropriate. Every waking moment was engulfed with POCD thoughts – the amount of times my phone got thrown to the other side of the room or left at home when I went on nights out as a compulsion was shocking. There was no doubt in my mind, I was convinced I was a monster.
It was only when I came across the OCD Recovery page where I saw that other people had experienced the same and were talking about it with understanding and compassion that I finally felt like I wasn’t alone. As much as you crave it, reassurance is a desperate and lethal cycle in recovery and what we truly need is knowledge. It takes a great deal of work that I know you feel like you’re not capable of when you’re that deep in the hole but it’s absolutely possible. OCD is cruel and will attack exactly what you care for most and sometimes we need to remember that.
This post is with the intent to raise awareness on a theme that so many are petrified to talk about and to let you know that just like all the others it can be recovered from. It’s no worse than any other theme and doesn’t require a separate method because you believe that this one is super important and awful. I’ve been there and I’m now here, a million miles from that hole I was in when I had that first thought. I’m in a group with mums that have had POCD and are now loving their lives and building even bigger families, excited for the future. No matter how far gone you think you are, there is always hope.