I remember at the start of my recovery journey being on the phone with Rob talking about life plans, goals and hobbies. I told him:
“I like staying in bed watching Netflix all day. It suits me, makes me happy.”
“I don’t want to have children. I like my freedom and independence.”
“I’m not interested in getting married, it’s an archaic idea.”
“I always thought I’d travel and live abroad but there’s no need now. I can just watch Planet Earth instead.”
Now, I’m not saying that everyone has to get married, have kids, move abroad, but in my case, it was painfully obvious that these were excuses, lies I’d convinced myself of because I was scared. I spent all my time watching Netflix because I was scared to socialize. I was trying to avoid my intrusive thoughts and zone out. I didn’t want to have kids because I was terrified of the responsibility, that something bad would happen to them, that I’d be a bad mum. I didn’t want to get married because the person I was with didn’t want to marry me and I was too scared to tell him or leave him so I settled for less than I truly wanted. I was too scared to travel because I was scared of flying, of taking risks, of going somewhere alone, of all the big scary things that could happen if I left my comfort zone.
One by one we tackled all these fears. I took a Netflix hiatus, no TV for four weeks, and made an agreement to get outside at least once every day, starting with my garden and then slowlu getting farther away.
I spent time with my cousins’ children and babysat my niece. I got used to the stressfulness of taking care of kids, learned how to cope when they bumped their heads without having a panic attack.
I had a hard conversation with my partner and told him what I wanted and that if it’s not the same as what he wanted then it wasn’t going to work out.
I took a solo trip to Copenhagen, flying alone, staying in a hostel, meeting new people. I was anxious, yes, but I did it anyway. And have some pretty great memories to show for it.
I learned how strong I actually am, that I can do more than I thought I could. I fell in love with solo travelling, of being able to do whatever I wanted and experience new things. I stopped relying on Netflix and began to only watch it in moderation. I broke up with my boyfriend, started a new career, started making new friends and getting new hobbies. I began travelling more frequently and feeling less and less anxious each time. I went to Amsterdam, Sweden, London, Mexico… where I met my now-husband.
Now I’m doing the things I wanted to do but had convinced myself I couldn’t. I’m living abroad, I’m married, planning to start a family, working as a travel photographer, having amazing experiences, and getting to see the world. I remember thinking that it wouldn’t be possible, never in a million years. But actually, it just takes small steps, one thing at a time, patience and perseverance, facing the fears and deciding that you won’t let OCD run your life anymore.
When Rob first told me, “No Netflix for a month,” I could have punched him (joking, of course!). I never thought I’d be able to do it, it was a coping mechanism and security blanket that I thought I couldn’t live without, but thankfully I dug deep and did it, even when it made me anxious, I stuck it out. It seems like a small thing but it was the first step on a journey that completely changed my life.