2 years ago I was in the second year of my chemistry degree and in the middle of a lecture discussing the Big Bang. All of a sudden I was hit with an enormous amount of existential anxiety and intrusive thoughts that repeated relentlessly in my head. I ended up failing my second year exams because of panic attacks, thinking that my invigilators weren’t real and walking out. I dropped out of university because of this.
Back then I didn’t completely understand what I was experiencing and how by no longer turning up to lectures and walking out of exams I was doing an enormous amount of avoidance. I had literally put my life on hold because of these thoughts and the anxiety it gave me – no wonder my brain thought they were so important! Staying on the course and in those exams would have been an amazing exposure but back then I didn’t know anything about bringing anxiety for the ride and wearing all feelings like that uncomfortable coat Rob talks about. I will be returning to university in September knowing OCD is going to be by my side. I’m still not completely recovered from Existential OCD but I know for a fact that continued avoidance never helps. If avoidance worked I would’ve (and I’m sure many of you would’ve) recovered from this disorder by now! I was a veteran of avoidance.
When we talk about bringing anxiety for the ride we don’t for one second think it’s going to be easy and we also don’t assume that just because we’ve got up and got out there that we’re going to enjoy it. We’ve still got to break down those irrational beliefs around our fears and be truly at peace with uncertainty in order to recover. Bringing anxiety for the ride is absolutely imperative though. It helps show our brains that there’s nothing to be chronically scared of and to stop taking our thoughts so seriously. If you have Suicide OCD and spend all of your life in your house because you’re scared you might jump off a bridge of course your brain is going to convince you that you could do that – you’ve put your entire life on hold because of this one thought!
I often think when wanting to avoid, “What would someone without OCD do right now? Would they really avoid going to a family gathering because they might purposely trip up kids? Would they avoid going clubbing because they’re scared of derealization? Would they avoid making dinner because they’re scared they might stab their husband with a kitchen knife? Would they avoid hanging around with same sex friends because they’re scared they might come on to them?” No. We need to continue life as best as possible, we may not yet be recovered but it’s important we welcome everything in whilst functioning as best as we possibly can. It’s not easy and doesn’t happen overnight, but you’re not giving yourself the best chance possible of recovery unless you’re really pushing to do things as you would’ve before. Let’s get it done!