How did you do it? How long did it take to recover?
Bear in mind that everyone recovers at a different pace. I did it without medication so if you’re taking medication you’ll probably have a different experience than mine (as your doctor may want you to up or lower your dosage at various stages and that comes with its own effects.) I had severe OCD and had it for a long, long time before I got treatment and when I did I was at rock bottom and willing to do whatever it took to get better. So again that could affect the time it took me recover. Personally I did CBT for anxiety at university which helped a little but didn’t target the OCD directly. Then a few years later I got worse again, when I was agoraphobic and at rock bottom I finally opted for private treatment and did 6 months of intensive exposures (with REBT, mindfulness, and ACT). This involved: weekly 1-1 sessions, plus group sessions, stopping all compulsions, doing exposure exercises, riding out/getting comfortable with the anxiety, frustration tolerance, practicing acceptance, gratitude, and mindfulness, shame attacks, disputing irrational thoughts, and facing up to my core fears. After that time both me and my OCD coach felt I was making good enough progress to be able to carry on using the new skills I’d learned without regular supervision. After about 8 months I felt I was getting into recovery. By the end of the year I’d finished riding out the waves of initial recovery (normal ups and downs) and felt that I was recovered. Since then I’ve had no relapses and essentially life a normal life unaffected by OCD.
Are you ever scared/nervous/concerned you’ll relapse?
Honestly in the beginning yes I was. Because I finally felt free and I really, really didn’t want to go back to that. With time I can see that it may happen one day but that if it does, I’ll deal with it the same way I did before. So although I don’t want it, I’m not going to spend time worrying. In the beginning of recovery, it’s common to have little relapses because you’re still figuring out how to navigate your new life and your brain is still working on strengthening the new neural pathways you’ve built. But in my experience it gets easier and easier with time to deal with little setbacks so they don’t turn into relapses.
What does facing your fear mean?
When we say “face a fear”, I don’t mean go out and get COVID, go out and murder people, have sex with someone of the same gender. I mean don’t avoid things that trigger you. Face the fact that death is inevitable, watch that documentary about the serial killer, wear that rainbow t-shirt in public. Don’t try to run and hide from the things that make you anxious and uncomfortable, don’t try to block out the scary thoughts. Face them, realize that they’re not going to kill you, that you can be triggered and survive. It’s not the end of the world.
Do you feel like yourself again? Are you recovered so that you’re like you were before OCD?
Personally I didn’t have a “before OCD” because I’ve had OCD for as long as I can remember. Since I was a child I had obsessions/fears, compulsions, and panic attacks. I don’t remember what it’s like to not have it. So I can’t compare. But now that I’m in recovery I feel better than I’ve ever felt. I feel completely free. This is what I imagine other people who don’t have OCD feel like. People who knew me before say that I seem like a whole new person and they can barely believe it. I’m even better than I could ever have imagined because I genuinely I’m not scared of anything anymore so I just live my life doing whatever I makes me happy. I wake up happy every single day. I thought that was impossible!
Was there a moment in therapy when you saw all of your progress and could start to appreciate the entire process?
Yes, a few months in when I was able to start doing things I hadn’t been able to do in years, like watch a movie or TV show normally without worrying about it being triggering. Or being able to go to a crowded public place without having a panic attack. They may seem like small things but days like that made me realize that the hard work was worth it and gave me hope that maybe I’d be able to get my life back.