Day 6 of 7
Fear of fear compulsions I would do pre-recovery
- Changing medications and medication dosages to try and feel instant relief
- Not making decisions and going into ‘analysis paralysis’ as I was so scared of making the wrong one
- Not drinking caffeine as it would increase my anxiety
- Not drinking alcohol because I was scared of how I would feel with a hangover
- Calling in sick to work because I felt like it was ‘too much’
- Overdoing the recovery work to try and make it go quicker
- Disputing in the moment to try and bring down sensations
- Avoiding driving / flying as I knew it would result in a panic attack
- Deep breathing / grounding / meditation when triggered
- Coasting when feeling okay, then only taking recovery seriously when I felt bad again
- Not doing the work when I felt good in case it came back up
- Muting the OCD WhatsApp group when I was feeling good so I didn’t get triggered
- Using distractions excessively (phone scrolling, TV, playing games) to stop myself feeling anxious
- Always carrying safety items – medication, water, headphones, Rescue Remedy, etc. – in case I ‘needed’ them if I panicked
- Taking sedatives in the evening to relax
Fear of fear was massive for me, as it is for most OCD sufferers, and understandably so. OCD and anxiety are difficult things to experience and naturally we want them gone. However, when you approach recovery through a lens of ‘needing’ it gone, it becomes problematic.
Think Harry Potter. Ron in Devil’s Snare. The more you thrash around, the harder OCD grips you.
The more you try to get rid of anxiety, the more important it becomes to you. The more important it becomes, the more threatening it feels. And the more threatening it feels, the more desperate you become to get rid of it.
This is how fear of fear can keep you trapped.
The goal of recovery isn’t to make sure you never feel anxious again. The goal is to stop treating anxiety as something that you need to escape from.
You can feel anxious and still go to work.
You can have a panic attack and still drive.
You can feel uncomfortable and still make decisions.
You can experience intrusive thoughts and sensations without immediately trying to neutralise them.
The more you stop organising your life around avoiding fear, the less power fear has over you.