I first started fixating on intrusive thoughts when I was in vet school. Veterinarians are a profession with a high suicide rate and it was brought to our attention during our studies and we were educated on ways to help limit stress and how to better manage our well being. It was during this time that I developed intrusive thoughts about suicide. They did tend to occur during more stressful times of vet school but I didn’t pay much attention to them due to their fleeting nature. The intrusive thoughts began to increase in frequency once the pandemic started. I remember listening to songs at work and having the thought about certain artists ending their life or thinking the same thoughts about Robin Williams and his death along with how I felt like I was so similar to him because he wanted to make people happy and that was my goal in life as well. Then the wrist sensations started and would happen right before bed. They would cause me distress but eventually I was able to fall asleep. The event that threw me into a full blown crisis was when I walked into a church and was immediately met with the thought “this would be a good place to die”. I ran into the church, left what I was leaving for a friend, ran back to my car and left that parking lot faster than a bat out of hell. From that moment on things began to spiral. I started with a therapist who diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder and she helped a little but I still felt like I was hitting a wall in my recovery. I was bombarded with thoughts throughout my work day and became depersonalized quite quickly. The career that I had wanted to do my whole life became almost impossible to do because instead of focusing on the client and patient in front of me, my mind was taking me down a path of Suicidal OCD. My mind was so creative that it could turn almost anything into a way to end things and I was so scared to be left alone. I almost cancelled multiple pet sitting gigs due to the fear of being alone. I asked my mom to stay home with me multiple times as well because I was so scared I would succumb to my thoughts. I didn’t know it was suicidal OCD until February 2022. I then started getting help in March 2022 and joined OCD Recovery in April 2022. To say that OCD Recovery has helped me in my recovery is an understatement. I have made so much progress thanks to the help of Rob, Nick, Momin and Gemma. The books on the reading list are so relatable and have helped me not only in accepting my worst case scenario surrounding OCD, but also have helped me so much in life overall. I still have some work to do but I enjoy life again more than I was before.