If you’ve been involved with OCD Recovery for a while, then I’m sure you’ve heard the coaches repeatedly state the importance of going toward fear. I’ll press on this more in a longer review with examples from my life and my journey so far.

I’ve been stuck in the fear-and-anxiety cycle for most of my life. I’m 21 and privileged in many ways, but life with chronic OCD has been very hard, as I’m sure you can relate to. At first it was primarily chronic guilt and shame. An endless cycle of confessing and venting. But it kept expanding until it felt like it had engulfed everything.

I was very depressed and terrified of throwing up around people. Avoidance, awful physical anxiety, crippling fear, vomiting, safety behaviours, panic attacks, and isolation were my daily life. I was stuck in that cycle for the better part of a decade. I’d do anything to avoid anxiety and made sure to carry a plastic bag in my pocket in case I had to vomit.

Every day felt like a war. I particularly remember a couple of mornings like this one: I had a test that morning and got up very early to have time for my routine. I went for a run and ate a banana because my therapist said it would lower cortisol and anxiety. I’d also deep-dived into the Wim Hof breathwork and cold showers. Surely this would fix it? After the run I jumped straight into an ice-cold shower. For months I only showered ice-cold, sometimes standing there exhausted for minutes, summoning the courage to jump in. Then I’d snuggle into bed, turn the lights off, and do breathing exercises to try to reach perfect calm. I’d play a certain song on repeat while lying there to strengthen that “calm” state.

So did all of this work? No. All I had been doing was fueling the fear cycle with nuclear fuel, and another panic attack was waiting for me in that lecture hall.

I went to multiple therapists, but it was only when I reached out to OCD Recovery and started putting in the hard work under Nick’s guidance that things began to change. If I hadn’t started going toward fear and making it a habit, there is no way I would have made this much progress. If you’d seen me a year ago and saw me now, it would be hard to imagine it’s the same person. That much can change in a year but there is no way around going toward fear. If you’re not committing to really go toward fear, it’s time to think seriously about that. You’ll be stuck forever if you don’t. I write this with as much compassion as I can muster, but there really is no way around it.

If I hadn’t started taking this seriously a year ago, I’d still be completely stuck in that cycle. Another year would have been lost to OCD’s grip. Time waits for no one. But OCD Recovery exists, and we live in a time where recovery is possible. The coaches are here to help and guide you on your personal journey with this disorder. Life is out there waiting for you. Don’t let fear stop you from living it.

If you’d talked to me a few years ago, I would’ve said that when I thought of life all I felt was fear. I didn’t look forward to anything and there was nothing I wanted to do or experience. I only wanted to disappear, far away from fear and anxiety. That’s not my life anymore, and it doesn’t have to be yours either.

I’m currently living by myself and studying on the other side of the country from my family. I’m doing things and pushing myself in ways I never would have before. Humour is important to me and helps me not take everything so seriously. I’m looking forward to where I’ll be a year from now. “Looking forward to” are words I didn’t know if I’d ever use again, but here I am.